Denial!

Last week I was at my local library going through the video collection, I’d gotten there early and was the only one at the shelf. A gronky guy came up beside me and, ignoring etiquette, instead of perusing the DVDs I’d already gone over, jumped into the middle and flipped his way towards me, causing us to crash together in his haste not to miss out on anything that took his fancy. I didn’t realize till later that he must’ve targeted me from a distance, thinking here was an old man easy to push over.

It was either me or him, who was going to give way? With terse voice I asked him, “Can I get by?” He hissed, “Say please!” I grunted, “I’m not gonna say please to you!” He moved around me and snapped, “Faggot!” I went into shock and, instead of a witty come-back, growled, “You fat creep!” He launched into a stream of hideous invective, sending me further into speechless shock, this sad-sack was taking it all out on me. “You loser, you pathetic little man, you sorry old creature!” I could only reply, “I’ve a good mind to ring the cops and get you arrested for defamation!”

When I looked him over I saw he was actually gazing into a dark mirror with his insults. About 45 years old, saggy guts, daggy clothes, clutching a plastic shopping bag like some poor bag-lady, with a hound-dog face, unshaven, dead-eyes, just plain ugly with no edge of cool at all, he looked like a bum who’d lost his bureaucratic job six months ago, wife left him a year before that, mortgage screaming and few friends bothering as he’d never even been adventurous enough to shake his booty at a rock gig, in other words a real loser. I should’ve responded, “Listen creepo, I’ve had a long life, I’ve contributed and achieved much and had untold fun, I’m now retired and very happy.” Except that was too much information, instead I screamed, “You motherfucker!”

Other people in the library reading books spoke up, “Take it outside!” I was getting ready to slam him in the mouth and he saw it and a look of fear filled his hound-dog mug. “Aha!” I thought, “A wimp as well as a bigoted bastard. One of those dickheads that jeer from the sidelines but have never had a smack in the face in their entire lives.” A couple of librarians ran over to quell the riot, I told them what the boor had said to me and he countered, “He was aggressive with the DVDs!” I wanted to smash his dead-fish face in but he was protected by the sanctity of the library, I could only run from the premises shouting over my shoulder, “All my life I’ve copped cruelty from arseholes like him and I’m not gonna take it quietly anymore!”

Yet again I was reminded of a nebulous hatred towards gays that exists out there amongst the general populace, quietly smoldering like a plugged-up volcano and, given some untoward opportunity, breaks forth with irrational fervor to scape-goat us hapless homosexuals with curses, torture, incarceration and death if the political climate allows for it. This has happened many times to me in my long travail up life’s rocky road, a thoughtless word and suddenly the howling mob of “good citizens” sets upon me to tear me to pieces if I don’t make a hasty get-away. And it’s been here in Australia that this has happened, afflicted for my sexuality, in the so-called lucky country, land of the fair-go, egalitarianism and fond friendship, much of it bullshit if you don’t conform, keep your mouth shut and slave away in the chain gang. (At the risk of being tedious I have to reiterate, many of the tales of the Punk Poofy Cat deal with this prejudice, I not only want to recount a personal folk-history but educate and plead for tolerance and inclusiveness, not so much for my deviant, renegade self but for all those helpless, voiceless others.)

Reading Robert Hughes “The Fatal Shore” I’m informed about the particularly homosexual history of the founding of Australia via the penal colony. “Buggery is to prisons as money is to middle-class society.” He quotes texts from the times such as Bishop Ullathorne’s survey, “Australia is a polity of fallen souls, a community without feelings, whose men are very wicked, whose women are very shameless…”

And from Thomas Cook’s “The Exile’s Lamentations”, ... "overseers on road gangs were homosexuals… to bribe their way out of floggings convicts would have to ‘come out’ as homosexual, (i.e. give sexual favors)… the strong breaking the weak down into a punk, a molly, a gobbling queen… sexual contact in prison metabolized into relationships of power, the System nurtured sodomy in Australia as nowhere else… rape was one of the automatic punishments for the unwitting convict… innocent youth and respectable gentlemen were thrown amongst the vilest ruffians to be tormented by their bestialities… next to homosexual rape, flogging was the most humiliating invasion of the body that could befall a prisoner…”

On a more positive note, convicts in penal stations formed strong relationships with their fellow inmates somewhat akin to marriage, receiving mutual support, comfort and affection in an otherwise cruel, deprived, inhuman existence. Out in the bush, amongst the cow-herds and road gangs, where there were no women at all, homosexual relationships developed and became the basis for the famous phenomena of Australian “mateship”. But it was in the prisons that the most infamous homosexual activity, intimidation and rape occurred.

Robert Hughes concludes, “News and rumors of such (homosexual) doings leaked out (of the penal stations)… and contributed to the atmosphere of nameless evil, of unutterable degradation, that surrounded the idea of convictry in the ears of (the colony’s) respectable citizens. This inevitably fostered more repressive attitudes towards all homosexuals in Australia. This sexual preference was doubly damned: first because it was a crime under law, second because it was mainly committed by those who were convicts already. There could have been no better breeding ground for the ferocious bigotry with which Australians of all classes, long after the abandonment of the (convict) System, perceived the homosexual. And this in turn seemed like an act of cleansing – for homosexuality was one of the mute, stark, subliminal elements in the “convict stain” whose removal… so preoccupied Australian nationalists.”

There is intense denial about this homosexual history amongst the Australian populace, bordering on collective hysteria, like a repressed memory purposefully forgotten, it still wells up and issues forth in a barely disguised hatred towards gays, such as my ongoing experiences attest. The fact that Australia will be the last country in the “western developed world” to legalize gay marriage equality proves the fact of this bigoted conservatism. Denial of many hard truths of contemporary life is a national Australian characteristic: the mounting national debt is put away for another day to deal with; workers from the collapse of manufacturing industries are supposed to be accommodated in the service industries, much of which, in truth, are sent offshore; many jobs miraculously still existing are being filled by third world labor brought in on 457 visas by greedy bosses; the true unemployment rate is swept under the carpet by hiding vast numbers of the hopeless poor on the disability pension, (the unemployment rate would quadruple if the not so disabled were kicked onto the dole queues, investment would falter and interest rates would skyrocket.) 

Last week a Belgian tourist was horribly raped in a back alley of Kings Cross after only three days in the country, and yesterday a sick pervert was finally caught after five years on the rampage kidnapping and raping many, many little girls. It seems the true number and frequency of rape cases is unreported by the press or police for fear of causing societal collapse; not only are untold women nastily assaulted, men also, but most horrifically, children; people intuit the rampant priapic deliriums anyway and live uptight, guarded lives, scape-goating minorities such as gays to blame for all and sundry, (apparently "ICE" junkies are uncontrollably horny and go on mindless sexual rampages, thus they can take-over being scape-goats and give us poofs a break); the underworld of illicit drug smuggling is both undermining and ruling society, high and low; the environment is degraded past salvation; business fraud is rife, no workers or pensioners’ savings safe;  the number of suicides annually is unreported, possibly thousands giving up hope, the true facts, if known, horrifying into despair a complacent polity. And underlying the famous Australian mate-ship is an undercurrent of homo-eroticism, for all the blokes would swear it wasn't so. Repeat, Aussies are in denial of many things!

Oh yeah, and one of the biggest myths that Aussies still swallow and are in denial of: that we’re an egalitarian democracy. Sorry, we’re cringe-worthy in our class consciousness, with no meaningful freedom of speech or pursuit of happiness, ruled by an oligarchy of mining magnates, robber barons and gambling house kings, the emperor of all being a media mogul running the world from America. I didn’t come from an influential, rich family or go to a private school. To promote gay liberation, I confessed in my early writings and artworks that I was an oppressed homosexual who got fucked in toilets and dark parks by uncaring overseers. Thus I was never going to get far in an arts career, or any other for that matter, as all worthy positions in Auz society are reserved for the connected and the conformed. Homos are still hated, for all the Sydney Gay Mardi Gras queens marching up the Golden Mile in sequins and feathers. Don’t forget, on our original march back in 1978 we got the shit kicked out of us by the cops and, at the back of the crowd, the pigs did the same thing in 2013.

When that sad-sack attacked me in the library I should’ve expressed my ‘Buddha nature’ and responded with, “Peace, brother.” That would’ve truly confounded him and negated his hatred; yelling “Motherfucker!” just played into his nasty game and gave him the upset he was looking for. But for all my old age and wizened experiences I’m still weak, stupid and full of anger, yet always working on trying to be a better person, hopefully one day I’ll get there. Anyway, I still want to make a plea for “the way of the warrior”, if the intention for an honorable outcome is there, like fighting the Nazis in World War 2.

For all those who died young and didn’t get a life, who didn’t get to tell their story, good or bad, happy or sad, who didn’t leave even a ripple on the pond of life, I fully revel in my perseverance, brains and talent, to tell my story, of growing up, suffering and exulting as an Australian homosexual in the late 20^th and early 21^st century. For what it's worth, not much, I don't give a shit, burn me at the stake as a faggot if you can.

P.S. I'm indebted to my good mate Paul Vassalos, (a dyed in the wool heterosexual but with a sharp eye on the Aussie psyche), for the title of this essay and for reminding me of Robert Hughes' text, "The Fatal Shore." Also for his encouragement for me to keep on writing, as I often despair as to its purpose, it's like crying in the wilderness, blind and lonely, though it is fun and it sure feels good to get it off my chest.

www.amazon.com/author/tobyzoates

If you enjoyed this story please go to the WEB address above and consider buying my book of tales about growing up anarcho-queer, rock and roll punter and mystic adventurer in Australia and India of the 1950s, ‘60s and ‘70s.

47) In the Lifeboat For Losers Cafe.

Arthur snapped out of his reverie at the raucous croaking of a pestilential drunk called Robert. Looking like a Werewolf from a war-zone, he had thrust his scabrous mug into Arthur’s face and was demanding a cigarette. Arthur sighed, he was sitting in the same window seat at the Yobbo Yo-Yo Cafe that he’d sat in for an eternity, entombed like some royal mummy in a crypt as if all time, space and movement elsewhere had been an illusion. 

It was sometime in the mid ‘Nineties and life in Sydney had been an awful trial, his dream of success in the arts fading fast, he was wallowing in the muck with countless other wannabes and possibly about to get trampled in the stampede to the Big Nowhere. Looking back he was amazed he'd survived the  years of exultation, horror and danger, but that had all just been a warm up for old age in the gutter, from now on it was do or die time. As Robert kept on hassling for a fag, Arthur flicked the bum a butt then turned his back on him, all the while perusing the flawed human cargo stacked around him in the Lifeboat for Losers Café.

Across from him sat a kooky old crone dressed like a teenaged Punk, in black leather mini-skirt, torn fish net stockings and studded dog collar. Her hair was razored into spikes, her eyes were huge, glazed empty pools, the smacked out eyes of the Omega People with a flood of mascara leaking down her craggy face. Most surreal of all was that she clutched on her lap a little pug dog that had the same face, haircut and dog collar as she did, like a vision from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and Arthur had to blink twice to get a hold on reality.

At the next table sat the dreaded Tax Collector in his baggy suit and tie, a tireless bore, he droned on and on in a monologue to nobody in particular about his weekend hobby, Druidic Pagan Rituals. This is where he would transmogrify from his tedious, real self to an heroic warrior dressed in cape and Viking's helmet, uttering streams of mumbo jumbo while he tried to get his hands on the Scarlet Whore of Babylon perched on the sacrificial altar. When Arthur told him to shut his cake-hole the bureaucrat hissed, “You useless deadbeat, what contribution have you ever made to society?” Arthur snapped in return, “As if a Tax collector is the epitome of an active social conscience! Stick it where the sun don’t shine, douche-bag!”

Sitting with the Taxman and nodding sagely at all the nonsense was Marcielle, the American braggart in his cowboy hat and tooled leather boots. He swore he was the script writer for the science-fiction spoof “Flesh Gordon” and had lived off the royalties ever since, though he taught script-writing at Sydney University for an extra crust. Any movie that got a mention in the Café’s interminable film-lore rant he was sure to have worked on or been present at during the shoot and he purported to have met everyone who shone in Hollywood. There was even the night he’d had dinner with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, only he’d taken a whore as his companion and she’d dipped her fingers into the pate and ruined his reputation.

He was a horny old devil, dripping with excitement when recounting all the teenage popettes he’d screwed in cheap hotel rooms. He commented loudly upon his hobby of trying to pick up sex in Internet chat-rooms, reading out his sordid e-mails, crowing over his deviousness. He looked more worn than his purported age of fifty-five years, with a drawn, creased face under long white hair, skin the texture of cottage-cheese, his sexually confused cyber-space  suckers were in for a big shock if they ever did meet him in the pallid flesh. Arthur figured Marcielle’s much trumpeted celebrity and sex spiel was a fantastic web of lies spun by a cocaine crazed con man and he sneered at all his sordid tall tales accordingly.

A scraggy prostitute by the name of Corinne ran into the Abandon All Hope Café crying for sanctuary, her rat’s tail hair in her face, her nose bloody, her lip-stick smeared and her black-lace dress torn apart causing her scrawny breasts to flap about like wet socks. She’d just ripped off a mug and he was hot on her heels and she screeched for Vitto to save her. She flung herself behind the counter and cowered there, Vitto stepping into the breach and blocking any sight of her behind his dirty apron. A fat oaf then came to the door, panting and eyeballing the crowd of misfits. Not finding what he wanted he ran on, and after a few minutes Corinne crawled forth, sniveling to Vitto to give her some hide-out cash. 

The Old Contrary Mary laughed in her face and told her to hide down in the toilets, not bring her troubles to his doorstep. She was reputed to have been a great beauty once, the toast of the jet-set, enjoying the high life, and then scag had got a hold of her. Twenty-one years later she was a haggard, villainous crow, scraping her next heroin-hit from the gutters, reduced to rifling the pockets of the dickheads desperate enough to go with her. She rushed out of the Café followed by the regulars' derisive taunts, they’d suffered her misadventures day in, day out, even Robert the Wino Werewolf laughed at her with the few brain cells he had left.

Robert the Werewolf continued gibbering into the lumpen faces around him and they listened attentively to him as if he were Professor Shlockendork. He sometimes dried out and studied medicine at University, only to sample the lab alcohol from the specimen jars and fall headlong into the heebie-jeebies again. His hairy face was a mass of wounds from his falls and his fights, he cherished a good beating, his pain receptors having got twisted from the imbibing of methylated spirits, fighting made him feel wanted. Arthur swore Vitto humored the drunk into hanging around so as to have company, any company, during the graveyard shift. Arthur felt a pinch on the arm from Vitto as he whirled past doing his usual dervish dance, making coffee, emptying ashtrays, washing dishes, sticking up photos of the penultimate shlock film-stars, fussing and fidgeting, making Arthur tired just watching him.

 Arthur took in the cluttered Café and seemed to glimpse through the haze of marijuana the faces of the many dispossessed souls who'd come and gone over the years, like ghosts still hovering in the corners. There squatted the shrewish Jan Eager, vomiting black bile as she pissed defiantly on the floor for all to see. She was a brilliant painter but as furious a misanthrope as Medusa, and she died alone in her Kings Cross flat, her corpse lying undiscovered for several weeks. Arthur could still see Mad Alice sitting at a table, lifting her blouse to flash her tits at unsuspecting strangers. She had long been a sex worker and had developed full-blown AIDS and was slowly rotting to bits. Covered in weeping sores and bandaged like a nuclear fall-out victim, she often sat on the wall opposite the Café for a breath of fresh air and still got propositioned by the deadhead pussy-punters who’d dribbled down Roslyn Street from the main drag of the Cross, blind-drunk and egregiously horny.

 His reminiscing intensified: out the door flounced a livid Fat Michelle after her one millionth argument; larger than life, mortified at being a blimp, she was the most belligerent of people. With a beefy arm she slammed the glass door hard and it shattered into splinters, earning her a lifetime ban from the Bete Noir Café. There were desolate nights when Fat Michelle yet loitered in the neighborhood to gaze longingly through the window at the crowd of deadbeats, wanting very much to belong, even if it was to a gang of misfits choking in their cloud of marijuana smoke. She had a bent crush on a creature called David Massacre and hung about the street like an ill wind hoping to catch a glimpse of her boyfriend’s cracked head.

The tragic specter of David Massacre shimmered between the two rows of tables at the Café’s center, that area being a strange attractor for flipped-out freaks. The poor fellow had an ugly dent in his forehead from where someone long ago had hit him on the head with an axe. He was forever plucking away at a beat up guitar, out of tune, making a horrendous noise as he whined bits of a song he was trying to write. With manic flourishes he promised everyone he’d been signed up by a record company, and was on his way to fame and fortune for his song would definitely be a hit on the airwaves. He was so brain-damaged he never realized the only hit he was ever going to have was the one he’d already had on the head with the axe.

He creaked on till he lost his reason completely and sued Vitto and the Café for harassment and psychological injury, after he’d rioted and broken everything he could lay his hands on. They all had to go to court and Vitto had to trundle forth umpteen witnesses to declare that, in truth, it was David Massacre who was torturing him, coming to his Café and smashing the place to bits in a psychotic melt-down. This was the same maniac who had previously sat down and played guitar on the Sydney Airport runway to stop the capitalist machines from landing. They dragged him off the runway but they didn’t stop him from marauding, and it was the Café No Skyway in the High that he set his deluded attentions upon, intent on destroying the dump. Finally he became yet another of the sorry stiffs found in their grubby apartments weeks after they had dropped dead, from alienation and exhaustion.

Arthur focused on reality when Karl, the most notorious drunk on Kings Cross, staggered through the door squawking his usual stream of abuse and splashing his cheap wine about. He played Frankenstein to Robert’s Werewolf, with his clothes in tatters and skinny frame covered in suppurating lesions from having fallen flat on his face innumerable times. He looked like a leper who’d fallen under a train, as mangled as a tub of KFC chicken, and trailing dirty bandages behind him. He took perverse pleasure in placing his filthy, cadaverous hands on the chic designer-clothed shoulders of the few nice, middle-class customers Vitto could attract into the Necropolis Cafe. Karl had made a fine art of terrorizing the good burghers of Kings Cross, scuttling dead drunk through their shop doors, demanding a hand-out and screeching obscenities when refused.

The moment the old soak showed his face, Vitto started screaming for him to “Get out!” over and over, but the crafty old sot ignored him and continued to shout his warped opinion of the “horrible fucking world” he was forced to live in. This had gone on for years, Vitto being reduced to a helpless, quivering jellyfish in the face of Karl’s resolute obnoxiousness.

Karl stayed glued to his seat, spitting and cursing, with Vitto shrieking and wailing for him to “Fuck off!” Arthur got totally wound up, he’d had it with the years of abuse from this useless old pisspot, with poor Vitto on the verge of a nervous breakdown, brandishing scissors, ready to cut Karl’s tongue out. Arthur jumped up and grabbed the drunk’s wine bottle by the neck, Karl making a grab for it at the same moment, his bandaged claw latching on to the bottom of the bottle and clinging to it steadfastly. Like a dog on a lead, Arthur used the bottle to pull him from his chair and drag him out of the Café, Karl clasping his end of the bottle as if his life depended on it. Arthur pulled him across the road where he was plonked down on the ground and the bottle wrenched from his grasp. He then poured the wine onto Karl’s mangy head, screaming, “If you want booze, have it, have it all!” Karl stiffened, hunched his shoulders and screamed as if boiling coffee was being poured upon him.

When Arthur glanced up, he saw Robert the Werewolf, Karl’s partner in drunken outrages, stumbling towards him in slow motion, fist upraised in a punch and Arthur was easily able to reach in and give him a good shove in the face that sent him toppling like a collapsed wine bag. Then Karl lurched up and tried to throw a punch, feeble and pathetic, Arthur was like a speeding bullet in comparison, casually reaching over and pushing him on his arse again. By this time Robert had got to his feet and made another slow motion attack and just like in a George Romero zombie movie, Arthur found these walking dead-men child’s play to push over, no matter how many times they came at him. Karl had somehow got hold of a chair from the Bad Voodoo Café and he came staggering up with it raised shakily above his head as if to crush Arthur to smithereens. Arthur grabbed the chair and spun it, Karl spinning with it and then falling to the ground with his butt up in the air. Arthur gave him an almighty swift kick up the arse that sent him sprawling.

Robert tottered up again, wanting more attention, but the brawl was getting tedious, with all of Roslyn Street watching in grim satisfaction from their shop doorways and someone yelling, “ Kill ’em, Artie, kill ‘emmm!” He asked Robert if he really wanted it and Robert nodded assent, desirous of an orgasm of pain, a resigned Arthur giving him a hard Wing Chung kick to the balls. He flinched but kept on coming and he got a second, harder kick in the nuts. He stopped for a second, as if questioning his senses, then lumbered on, hands out groping mid-air just like a zombie. He got one last, hard kick in the crotch and he stopped in his tracks, his eyes rolled up into his head, he stuttered and drooled, he was kind of ecstatic, he’d had enough, a veritable orgy of violence, and he reeled away.

Arthur strode back to Nurse Ratshit’s Glass-box Café, having finished giving his bad therapy, only to confront Vitto clutching at his face a la Anna Magnani, eyeballs popping like he’d seen the Devil’s spawn in action. Arthur tried to drink his café latte with tranquility, as though nothing had happened, when the two piss-heads reappeared and tried to shove their way into the cafe, crowding each other out and getting stuck in the doorway, as if in an absurd Laurel and Hardy skit. Karl was naked except for a pair of yellow, silk boxer shorts and one red-boxing glove which he had miraculously managed to dredge from the gutters of the Cross in seven minutes. They created a god-awful ruckus and Vitto was reduced to shrieking mindlessly again.

The Old Mole blamed Arthur for creating the disturbance and insisted he leave the premises, throwing him like a sacrificial lamb to the wolves howling out on the street. Arthur made a pompous speech about friendship and betrayal, loyalty and shallowness, while the old Maestro of Melodrama looked on disgruntled from behind his coffee machine. Arthur then strode to the door and pushed the drunks out of the way and left, swearing it was the last time he would honor the dump with his presence. He had the Sydney art-world to conquer, they were a much nastier crowd than these fools and, while fighting zombies was great training, it was beneath a man of his talents. As far as Arthur was concerned, the Café should have been called the Gladiator’s Shit Pit and he was never going there again.

www.amazon.com/author/tobyzoates

If you enjoyed this story please go to the WEB address above and consider buying my book of tales about growing up anarcho-queer, rock and roll punter and mystic adventurer in Australia and India of the 1950s, ‘60s and ‘70s.

46) Flight School.

On many nights of his early life Arthur had flying dreams, he bravely soared aloft and then most days forgot that he did so. Asleep, while delving deep into the Unconscious, he even dreamed he attended an ethereal flight-school, endeavoring to perfect the art of flying to the Underworlds under the guidance of wise instructors. He practiced at running along dreamscape roads until, from sheer willpower, he lifted off, realizing his immaterial dream body was indeed weightless. He would fly jerkily for a bit, until he became unsure of his ability, and then he would find himself plonked back on the ground, into the dust, as if gravity still had a hold of him, but maybe it was just his ignorance dragging him down.

When he could stay aloft for greater lengths, he would soar about, ascend to giddy heights then plummet breathlessly, to pull out of the fall with a long swoop and then land with graceful poise. He got to practicing somersaults and other aerial circus tricks, for flying blissed him out, and he imagined he had an audience of peers and Masters appraising him from some lofty mountain pinnacle. When he flew great distances into the Dark Continent he tricked his rational mind by pretending he was in a glass-bottomed plane, watching the worlds below slide by, a safe, easy ride. Or he was seated out on the wings of the plane, precarious and scary, for the driving wind could blow him to kingdom come and, on take-off, the plane seemed to just scrape past onrushing skyscrapers and the snarling branches of giant trees. Yet he always made it into the astral sky and onwards to ‘other’ visionary realms of the Mind.

Thus in his childish heart he felt the whole world was open to him, he could go where he willed, become what he wanted, with a life of renown, as a great world-shaking artist he hoped, even a movie star, for that was his fondest dream.

In the early “70s, when he was studying Yoga in the Himalayas, he met a strange fellow, an inquirer into the avowed dream-flights of his fellow homo sapiens. Arthur was hanging around the classes of Vedanta philosophy at the Sivananda Jungle University when he met this tall, fifty-ish American dude in a business suit who was going around with a tape recorder interviewing any and all Babas who avowed they could astral travel. He was compiling a survey of “Out of the Body Experiences” worldwide for publication and he assured Arthur it was a widespread phenomena, many trustworthy people having attested to the validity of lucid flying in their dreams. Arthur confessed that he’d long dreamed of flying, nearly every night taking off, only mostly it was directionless, blind, like a mote in a solar storm. Whenever he felt he was consciously lifting out of his body, fear would jolt him back, fear of the Other, of being demon Possessed, of Death, and of not being able to make it back into his body.

The Astral Researcher smiled benignly and told him that he need not fear it, all manner of people daily experienced astral flight. All he had to do was relax, think of the smiling face of someone he trusted then imagine lifting his astral arms straight out in front of him and looking at his hands. This technique, concentrated upon, would allow him to slip out of his body without any serious trauma. Arthur thanked him and went on his way, pondering on the curious nature of this strange man’s expertise.

That night in his concrete cell at the Ashram, before he fell asleep, Arthur tried the meditation for lift-off, thinking of his dear friend, Compassion, and fantasizing that he stretched his arms out before him, concentrating on his imaginary hands pulling forth from his heavy flesh. Lo and behold, before he knew it, he was floating out of his body. He drifted up to the ceiling and looked down upon himself. Then he longed to explore this great, curious, New World, and he willed himself to fly out of the building, up into the cool night air, floating high above the Ashram. He could see all the details of the Hindu Monastery below that he knew so well and the environs of Shangri-la beyond, the winding, green river of the Ganges, with the blue foothills and the snow-capped Himalayan ranges as backdrop.

He wondered if there was another world beyond the mountains and if he could fly there at his first attempt. But then the thought hit him, “What if I got lost, how would I make it back to my body? My precious body! Where is my precious body?” He looked back down to the Ashram and with these apprehensions he suddenly found himself in his body, heavy and solid, breathing fast, wide awake, his eyes snapped open, reassured he was back in reality, at a loss that his first lucid lift-off had been aborted. He tried not to worry about it as he had the rest of his life to perfect his talents.

The following morning at Satsang, the Ashram’s requisite spiritual congregation, the Head Honcho Swami gave the daily lecture on the subject of Siddhis, powers one may acquire whilst practicing the Yogas. He spoke of powers like dream flight or mental telepathy, levitation or telekinesis, prophecy and hypnotism, claiming they were mere distractions on the Path to Enlightenment, and, like hot coals, not to be frittered with. Arthur was astounded that the Swami had picked up on his latest mind-game, the old mug must have seen him flying above the ashram during the night, breaking the ten o’clock curfew. Still Arthur dreamed. What if he could fly anywhere at will? With courage, intelligence and good heart he could explore every level of the multiverse of the Mind, lose his fears and gain deep insights, unlock mysteries and maybe find his reason for existing. Samadhi would always be there, waiting for him, at the end of Time.

It was all probably just a trick of the Mind, that mysterious phenomena that had created the universe wherein humanity dwelt, but even so, if one could fly about through all the levels of the Mind, it would be interesting fun and worth exploring.

But three tired old cliches dragged him down into forgetting his inherent Budhahood and Eagle-nature, the Holy Trinity of “sex and drugs and rock’n’roll”. Sex mania with all the wet dreams, frustrated desires and fantasies of fulfillment, like phantasmal lost lovers followed into the mists who were ever ready to induce lead-weight erections, distracting pleasures and mind-numbing orgasms. Drugs that took him up high into the clouds like LSD, Ecstasy, Marijuana and Hashish, imbibed as the elixir of false knowledge, bliss and tranquility, to really get him spinning in his head, flat on his arse and wandering lost on his feet. And Rock’n’Roll restlessness, for hard and fast adventures, extreme sports and situationist stunts, all with accompanying electrifying music, his blood pumped, his mind thrilled, his body exhausted and heart jaded.

These three old sores relaxed his inhibitions too well, making him sink into a morass of excitation and satiation, become heavy, mindless and flightless, like a Dodo bird. For most of his life, when he tried to fly, he crash-landed, thankfully on his feet, a bit cut-up but eager to try again.

Later in life his repetitive dreams of getting on top of things changed tack, he slowed down, got more sedentary and meek, as if he truly did devolve into the flightless Dodo. As always, when he dreamed, he was high up above the world, so very high atop a vertiginous tower, upon a narrow parapet just big enough to hold his sleeping form, if he didn’t hold tight he could fall away into infinite depths, into oblivion, for the tower tilted in the wind and he could slip, go over the edge if he lost his grip.

Other souls had leaped and flew above and below him, joyously; para-gliders, skydivers, brave and hardy, adventurous, taking risks, they had marvelous lives, of achievement and success. Not him, he played it cautious, a wimp and a flake who gripped tight his narrow platform, but at least he survived to have an old age, ordinary though it was.

At the end of the dream he slid down a precipitous ramp, down, down, down to the bottom of his skyscraper, to where the losers shout their sorry wares with no one listening, and he hurried away, to try to climb back to the heights, hopefully to get the guts and heart to leap, and fly, truly fly, regardless of the dangers and pitfalls, to fly away into the blue, let go of the dross, spread his arms and embrace it all, maybe achieve something fabulous. A nice dream if he can make it.

www.amazon.com/author/tobyzoates

If you enjoyed this story please go to the WEB address above and consider buying my book of tales about growing up anarcho-queer, rock and roll punter and mystic adventurer in Australia and India of the 1950s, ‘60s and ‘70s.