Monday, May 08, 2006

The Tooth Fairy.

Serves me right for being the eternal cheapskate. I was too tight to fork out $200 to have a painful, decayed tooth pulled by a private, avuncular dentist so I took codeine for 7 weeks till I could weazle into the Public Dental Hospital where they do it for free. What a freak parade, every bum and their dog there to get free treatment, the poor perennially having rotten teeth.

I was confronted by a punk with green hair looking like Johnny Rotten's unacknowdged grandchild; squads of Euro-trash, broken-hipped and hobbling with walking sticks, gossiping about the bad treatment banks mete out to them; swarms of ancient Asian couples clinging to each other in uncomprehending terror, totally lost, as if they've just fled the Forbidden City and are facing Mongol barbarians; an old rocker in a worn leather jacket, now tired and broken, surrendering to the contingencies of straight society; a moronic guy and his two girlfriends, drug-fucked hipsters in pseudo grunge gear, thinking they're trendy but just looking like real fucking idiots, repeating over and over long lists of drugs they can and can't take while having their teeth pulled; and one lone butch transexual in low-low cut jeans, flabby belly and pube-line exposed, hoping she's sexy but actually tragic, deep-throat croaking she had to be seen immediately, then storming out in a huff when told to come back in 3 months. Even the counter-staff seemed on some equal opportunity break for the disabled and mentally challenged, doing their duties in slow motion with squinty eyes, pretending not to notice the whining mob in front of them.

Then out came the young Asian dentist, real cute, to shake my hand, patronisingly sweet, to lead me thru the swinging doors and into tooth fetishist's heaven, past an army of young male and female dentists lolling about like spunks in a white, sanitary harem, any one of them could put their fingers in my mouth any time. I was taken to a reclining chair where a good-looking Scottish doctor commiserated with me over the horror of my Nosferatu-like teeth. I was asked my health status 3 separate times, all afraid of catching STDs I suppose.

The needle in the gums was excruciatingly more painful than any tooth rip, I drummed my feet and moaned till the cute Asian guy had to lean against me therapeutically to assuage my agony. He stuck it in deep, wrenched it about, the needle seemed to poke thru the top of my head, I flashed on the truth, he was an apprentice dentist, the Scottish overseer was his teacher, the cutie was practicing on me and he didn't know what he was doing. Then he set in to yank out the canine, tougher than a vampire's fang to extract, twisting, pulling, shoving, screwing, dragging, eternally on and on.

I squirmed and breathed heavily, again he leant against me, and I fantasised I could feel his cock slowly stiffening, pressing against my hand that was clutching the arm-rest. While I was thus pre-occupied the tooth came out without my hardly knowing it, no squawking or blood, I got a hearty pat on the back for my stoicism. With my whole head throbbing I gladly fled past the seraglio of toothsome dentist spunks and the long-suffering crowd of toothless freaks in the waiting room, so regretting I was a lazy bastard as a kid, taking no notice of my parents admonitions, and never brushing my teeth.